Clones

Google Richard Douglas and this is one of the first images that pops up. Funnily enough I did once consider becoming an Aussie Rules footballer - mostly just for the shorts and vest combo - but work commitments got in the way.

Unfortunately there is not an actual photograph of me on Google but if you run through a few pages there are some real gems.

My personal favourite is the Richard Douglas who is the producer of the gay porn classic Fine Daze.

There are a lot of Richard Douglas's out there - I even have a little Facebook group of Richard Douglas' from around the world. There's one from New York, an Australian, a soldier and some bloke from Anglesey.

Richard means - a man rolling in money. I bet the director of that mucky movie has more money than I do.

What do you think this Richard Douglas might do for a living? Neckerchief designer? Women's wear manager at an old fashioned department store?

China In Your Hands

When I was a youngster I would regularly go with my neighbour Damian, his mum and another neighbour Clara, to Ashton Market (see picture of market hall on fire Tues 25th May2004) My enduring memories of Ashton Market are peppery Cornish pasties, a grey tee shirt with netting sewn onto it as an over-layer which was possibly my first venture into fashion, a key ring with a little white, rubber Scottie dog on it and a stall which sold cassettes of famous songs re-recorded by not so famous, anonymous artists.

In comparison Tommyfield Market in Oldham felt somewhat less glamorous. Having said that I loved the sparkly floor of the inside market and also the chip shop which was in one of the permanent huts around the edge of the outside market which sold the best chip muffins in town.

I once spent a very long afternoon helping out my girlfriend Michelle on the pound stall. Three thousand toilet rolls for a pound, Two million AA batteries - a pound love. One hundred biros - that'll be a pound my dear. Eight hundred and fifty thousand blank videos - just one pound my lovely. Ta very much. I once bought a soap on a rope and a T' Pau record for my dad from Tommyfield Market.

I always loved Camden Market on a Sunday morning - especially when it was cold. I re-discovered Aretha Franklin's Until You Come Back To Me whilst milling about Camden Market sipping warm spiced cider - I also discovered the mad lady with pink wire in her hair at Cyber Dog on the same day. Still in London Spitalfields was always worth a visit - if only for the falafel - and down on the south bank the best place to get a free lunch, Borough Market.

It was outside Borough Market one night that I met Big Mo from Eastenders. I'd been on a tour of pubs with my cousin Rachael starting at Embankment and ending up - rather messily - in a pub very close to Bridgette Jones' flat. Well Big Mo was there and we said hello before she drove off in a mini. On the tube afterwards we started a debate (based on a news story about a Thai zoo) and got everyone on the carriage to vote, with a show of hands, as to whether or not they would eat giraffe burgers. I don't remember the final count. Sadly, this is all completely true...

http://www.oldham-chronicle.co.uk/

Zoo

We went to the zoo last weekend. It was very exciting. A wintry Sunday morning has to be the best time to see the animals. We made a bee line for the giraffes - natch. There were three giraffes which had been put out in the yard and locked out. Walking around in large slow circles it was reminiscent of a Sugarbabes video except without the insipid music and with the addition of a substantial amount of grace and style.

The Sea lions were next - they were gorging themselves on fishy tit bits offered by the keepers in return for showing off their jumping skills to the gathering crowd. Theresa was playing up.

We found the spider monkeys fighting over an old piece of bark and noted the freedom with which the males of the species showed off their pink monkey willies (in stark contrast to their black fur.)

My least favourite attraction was the children's zoo. The wallaby, the miniature donkey and the stinky goat were all miserable. They all stood in their individual pens glaring at us whilst doing nothing more than standing in the sun. Granted it was very cold and there was melting ice raining from the trees but even the tiger had a bit of a walk. I don't ask for much entertainment from the animals but a smile wouldn't hurt would it?

The red panda in contrast was active, cheerful and even spared a few seconds to swap phone numbers with us. We have become great friends in the short time since we saw him and we are expecting him and his fiance to visit this weekend. I will be serving ants and bamboo for dinner - as a vegetarian I will bypass the ants but I am greatly looking forward to the bamboo.

http://www.blackpoolzoo.org.uk/pages/home/

Atame!

Buckley went to bed early last night because he's covering the breakfast show this week so I decided to settle in for a film. I bypassed Sleepless, Jarhead and Matador and plumped for that old favourite - When Harry Met Sally.

Sadly I fell asleep during a crucial part - from the argument at the wedding through to the reunion at the new year's eve party - I may never know what happened...

Before I nodded off I noticed something that I had never seen before. When they are playing Pictionary and Sally tries to draw Baby Talk the drawing changes half way through and suddenly has no eyes! Then merely seconds later the baby's eyes are back! After watching this film a thousand times I was shocked and a little disturbed. Much like the time I noticed the microphone poking into shot in the classic film Clue (starring Eileen Brennan and Tim Curry.)

I think tonight I'll treat myself to some Almodovar.

Boredom

Yesterday I started a text message conversation with Alison about the noises that distressed, British, wild animals make. This is how bored I am of sitting at home day after day. I applied for a receptionists job yesterday - I think I'd look good in one of those little headsets but I'm not sure how often I could bring myself to read Heat magazine.

Having written that the whole Britney meltdown was fascinating, celebrity fodder. I could watch her shaving her head as often as I could watch the car crash that is Amy Winehouse's life.
Fat, thin, eating disorder, surgery, Jordan, Beckham, Lohan, Hilton blah blah blah but give me Britney losing her children and wearing an ill fitting wig and no knickers and I'm hooked.
So anyway I'm quite bored and do not make a good unemployed person.

Blackpool - again

We're going to Blackpool tonight. We're going to get on a bus, get drunk, eat chips and drive the length of the illuminations. Thankfully it's not a public bus.

This is what happened last time I got drunk on a bus in Blackpool...

Job

It's almost two months since I left my job in Manchester and moved to Preston.
It's beginning to get miserable now without a job. I reckon on average I apply for five jobs and speak to two agencies every day and still nothing.

I have applied for jobs in retail, at the hospital, as an air traffic controller, as a mystery shopper, at the university, at Blackpool Zoo, in call centres, for the police, as a fucking Betterware catalogue distributor, at sports centres and at a garden centre. I'm not fussy you know - as long as it pays and I can get there in under two hours on public transport then I'll go for it. I've looked at temporary & permanent and both full & part time - nothing.

I was watching a spot of television this morning whilst checking my emails for job opportunities and there was a phone in section that I tried to get though to. They were suggesting that people are being snobbish about what kind of job they take and that people thought certain types of work beneath them - this frustrated me somewhat. I am finding that employers are unwilling to look outside their own industry for employees and I am being ignored or refused even an interview because I haven't done exactly that job before. Does this mean that because I took a shop job five years ago as a temporary measure and ended up sticking to retail that I must now work in retail for the next thirty five years of my life? I hope not.

Granted - I don't have a degree but really at the age of thirty three with all the work experience that I have can it really be true that I am that unemployable? I am intelligent, hard working & honest and am willing to start at the bottom - again - in order to work my way through a new career.
Anyhoo - I suppose I'll just have to hope that retail doesn't dry up completely and that I'll find something there eventually....

Tree

I forgot... Yesterday after the car boot hideousness Buckley and I began to massacre the garden with our new saw. And no - that is not a euphemism. We decided that we should do a spot of tree surgery.

I climbed on top of the shed at the end of the garden, pulled up the step ladders and set them up nicely under the offending branches. I got to the second step when the rotting roof of the shed began to give way. The back two feet of the ladder went straight through the roof tipping the whole thing backwards with me on top of it. It was only my skilful and balletic movements that saved me from toppling off the shed and into the river at the back. There are now two holes in the roof of the shed which water will surely leak through.

Anyhoo - here I am to tell another tale and the branches have now been removed. I took the first one off quite easily but half way through the second branch my arm began to tire so Buckley gave it a go. After a couple of saws the branch started creaking and he started to panic - within seconds he was trying to flee the shed roof with a bloody big branch creaking towards his head. He too survived. I got up there and finished the job with the third branch - narrowly missing a potentially disfiguring accident as the business end of the branch swung towards my face.

Well - tree now surgeryed (?) - Buckley got the bug. He took down the caterpillar covered mini tree in the main bed then went for the blackened leafed tree next to the green house whilst I stood underneath it to make sure that the branches hit me and not the glass of the green house. Finally he had his eye on the neighbours tree of which three branches cover most of our lawn. The neighbours weren't in to ask and I persuaded him not to begin hacking away in order that we preserve relations - besides he needed to borrow their ladders to get to this one. Thus the massacre ended for the day...

Chip butties and fleeces

We did a car boot sale just outside Blackpool today. Class coming out of my ass or what? There was a wide array of fleeces, many people on crutches or in wheelchairs and a smattering of in breeding.

At about eight thirty I went to get us both a drink - one strong tea and a coffee with one sugar. The girl that served me was a whizz on the hot plate. She could manage about ten frozen jumbo sausages in one go and her fried black pudding and cheese burgers were a marvel to behold. My arteries hardened just by ordering drinks.

Someone stole a fifty pence wind up muscle man from our stall. Who steals at a car boot sale?

Image from one of my favourite online stores http://www.animalkingdomfleece.com/

Orange and Black

Today I went for a job interview in Preston. I knew from two phone calls last week with Louise that there was something odd about it before I even left the house today but I was further convinced when I walked up to the building and the company sign was a print out sellotaped to the window.

I went in and asked for the person that I was supposed to be meeting only to be told that they had the day off. They didn't know who I was supposed to see and neither did I. A rough looking old bird handed me a clip board and said "'ere you are love, fill this out." I sat down in the waiting room on a cheap sofa (not that I'm a snob when it comes to furniture...) and filled out the form. There were three other people in the room with me, the guy next to me (black suit / white socks) had his head in his hands and rocked backwards and forwards.
The waiting room had woodchip wallpaper painted bright orange and all the woodwork was painted black. Radio one blared from the desk in the corner and I was treated to a live rendition of blinded by the lights (without the swearing) which cheered me up no end.

The other three people were invited to go upstairs and I was - er - ignored completely. Ten minutes later I was still alone in the waiting room. Twenty minutes later - still there. Eventually someone came into the room and when I asked how much longer it would be - five minutes maximum. Ten minutes later I was finally invited to go upstairs. I clambered over the office chairs and sat down in front of what appeared to be a teenager.

She asked me a handful of pointless questions before she finally asked - "So what can you bring to this company?" I began replying by talking about maturity and experience and then came to a sudden standstill. It was at this point that I said that I couldn't actually answer her question because I still had no idea what their company did - and to be honest I still don't know! I started getting a bit pissy to be honest but despite this ten minutes or so later she decided that I should come back for the second of four interviews. I don't think I'll go...

Dreams

As Gabrielle once sang: Dreams can come true, look at me babe I've got flu (or something like that anyway - I think the piratey eye patch was interfering with her ability to sing coherently.)

Well I can tell you now that if Gabrielle were me she certainly wouldn't want her dreams to come true. Only yesterday a lady in my dream was using a pikelet as a contraceptive cap. This is one of my more unusual dreams however there have been others.

One of my favourite dreams was the one where I was using a tortoise to make footprints in wet cement. Nothing more - nothing less. All I did was push one of these poor creatures feet into wet cement and then lift it out again. I dread to think what this means about me.

One of my regular childhood dreams involved spinning around inside a curtain singing Paw Paw Paw Pee repeatedly - I not only tried this but roped my brother in on it and discovered just how tightly curtains wrap themselves around your head and just how displeased one's grandparents can be when you almost pull down their full length velvet curtains.

I sometimes dream abut my mum but invariably they're not nice dreams and they involve death and suffering which is never a pleasant experience.

Again as a child a recurring dream would be the one with the bubble blowing dragon. The dragon sat in the middle of one of the bedrooms at my grandparent's house blowing big bubbles which would ensnare those who went into the room. Once trapped in the bubble the victim would float toward the ceiling where they would turn into a dragon themselves. In one of these dragon dreams I escaped out of the window onto a balcony only to find a lion out there. Bad luck hey? I then had to go back into the dragon room and downstairs (I floated down the stairs - natch) I entered the drawing room to find all my family staring at me and baring vampire teeth. I think I woke up at that point - probably in terror.

I think there's something the matter with me.

Crash

When I was nine years old I was in a car crash. My mum was driving and I was in the back with my brothers and the cat. An HGV lorry driver decided to overtake a car on a hill just outside Preston and in doing so hit us head on spinning the car off the bridge and into a field. We were cut out of the car by firemen and then two ambulances, one from Blackpool and one from Preston took my mum in one direction and my brothers and I in the other to different hospitals.

I was unconscious and had a cut face and badly bruised legs, Robert had a fractured skull but remained conscious throughout and Matthew, who was two years old, was catapulted from the middle of the back seat and trapped between the two front seats which saved him from being flung through the windscreen. My mum was very badly injured. As the car was crushed, the engine came forward and broke my mum's right leg in three places including smashing her knee cap. As she shielded her eyes the windscreen glass gouged out most of the flesh from the inside of her right arm down to the bone in places. Her face was also badly cut and glass had sliced a flap of skin off her forehead.

I was out of hospital in a couple of weeks as was Robert and Matthew didn't have to stay at all. My mum however was in hospital for weeks with her leg in traction and when she was finally released she was in a wheelchair for months. All of this meant that as a family we had to leave our home in Oldham and live with grandparents - firstly my dad's parents in Preston then, when my mum was out of hospital, to her parents in Poulton - and I left my primary school for most of the year and went to a countryside school just outside Preston.

My classmates from school in Oldham spent an afternoon writing letters to me which I received in hospital. I've copied some of them below - including grammar and spelling mistakes - which I find quite touching and funny.

14 Manor Park Rise
Greenacres
Oldham
8/1/85

Dear Richard,

I hope you are feeling better. We are missing you because we have nobody to be on at tig-on-line.

Now it is snowing. We are having snowball fights. In our bay we have three broken windows. Lindsey is still the same old funny character, Lisa Doolan is still very stubborn, Natalie is still the same old girl.

From
Mark Travis

Greenacres Primary School
Dunkerly St.
Greenacres,
Oldham
15th January 1985

Dear Richard

I hope that you get well soon and come back to school soon and get well. You are not the only one who is hurt because I am. I have a broken arm. I broke it because David Whiteley fell on it.

From
Paul Mannion

Get Well soon Get Well Soon


Greenacres Primary School
Dunkerley St.,
Greenacres
Oldham

Tues Jan. 15th 1985

Dear Richard

We have been doing about round signs. I hope that you come Back soon. We have been playing in the snow snowball fighting.

By Christian


17 Taurus St,
Greenacres
Oldham
8.1.85

Dear Richard,

I hope you are feeling better. Did you have a nice Christmas.
I have got some nice things for Christmas.
I got a radio with ear phones. I got two my “little” pony’s. I hope you get better soon Richard and Robert and your mum.

From Gillian


29 Watergate Milne Court
Waterhead
Oldham
8.1.85

Dear Richard

I hope that you get well soon.
I thought that you might like to read my poem.
I hope that you get back to school quick.
We have changed over with Mrs Shaw.
We go in the morning and the others go in the afternoon now. Would you like to read my poem now
1) Oh Welephant oh Welephant what have I done,
I’ve started a fire oh I am so dumb
2) all my presents are under the tree, oh Welephant of Welephant whon’t you help me.
3) Never fool with fire and that is your moto easy to learn it’s better than saying fire burn burn burn

From

Anuaska Mercer


Greenacres Primary School
Dunkerley St
Greenacres
Oldham
Wednesday 16th January 1985

Dear Richard

I am sorry to hear about the accident.
Wish you were here to see all the snow we have had. I hope you had a nice Christmas. And I hope yo like the new boy in Mrs Anistworth’s class. It was snowing here on Monday.
Get well soon
From
Susan


Greenacres Primary School
Dunkerley St
Greenacres
Oldham
16th January 1985
Dear Richard

I am sorry about your accident.
Down in Greenacres it is snowing.
We wish you were hear. At school we have started Maths work cards. They are easy. At home my dog Kelly has had Seven pups. Get well soon
From
Racheal


Greenacres Primary School
Dunkerley St
Greenacres
Oldham
15 January 1985

Dear Richard

We have been out Side and been catching number plates and it Was fun. I hope you get better soon. We have been playing with the snow.

From
Lee


Greenacres Primary School
Dunkerley St
Greenacres
Oldham

Wednesday 16th January 1985

Dear Richard

I hope you are soon back at school again because we will all be glad to see you here.
Also when you come back to this school I hope you like the project that we are talking about. I hope you will like the letters that we are writing to you. Are you enjoying the school that you are at now?

From
Joanne


Greenacres Primary School
Dunkerley St
Greenacres
Oldham
Wednesday 16th January 1985

Dear Richard

Paul Mannion has had a fight with Scott. We are doing topic on road safety.
I hope you get better.
The weather is trecherous.
Me and Andrew have been talking about 101 sillys. We have been getting into mischef

From you friend
Craig Pemberton


51 Sharples Hall St
Watersheding
Oldham
8.1.85.

Dear Richard,

I hope that you are feeling better. I am looking forward to seeing you back at school and I hope you have had a merry Christmas. I have had a nice Christmas. But I have stayed in most of the time and played with my cousins calculator and watched television most of the time.

From
Lindsey


Greenacres Primary School
Dunkerley St
Greenacres
Oldham
Tues. 15th Jan 1985

Dear Richard

You can’t play your violin or your recorder because you had a car crash. I Wish you was at school because you are missing all the fun at school but when you get better you will be able to join in our games

Christopher McDonald


12 Locking Gate Rise
Waterhead
Oldham
8.1.85

Dear Richard,

I hope that you are feeling better. Rebecca told me about the accident. I felt sorry for you. It has been snowing and we have been playing in it. I have been falling in the snow. My brother Adam laughed at me. Then we had a snowball fight this morning.
Tonight I am going on my sledge with Adam. I hope you had lots of nice Christmas presents.

Your friend
Natalie
Walton


Greenacres Primary School
Dunkerley St
Greenacres
Oldham
16th January 1985

Dear Richard

I hope you get well soon.
We are doing about road safety at school and we are coming back to verbs. It is snowing very hard today and it is an inside play time today.
There is a new boy in J1 called Wayne.

From
Nigel Sinkis


Greenacres Primary School
Dunkerley St
Greenacres
Oldham
Wed 16th January 1985

Dear Richard,

It’s a pity you can’t have the kile. And you have mist the races at p.e. And are read road safety work. While your reading and sitting down we are busy at work. When you come back I will tell you the answers if your brains gone.

By Adrian


5 Esther st.
Greenacres
Oldham
8/1/85

Dear Richard,

I hope you come back to school soon, and this is a poem which I have written for you to read.

You play with your friends,
And hope you were back,
You sing them a song
All about Nat

I hope that you will get well soon

From
Lisa Doolan